Current mood:

ashamed

OK, time to answer that meme.

My first love? My first love was a wonderful girl who I treated far too poorly for her to be with me as long as she was. First of all, I told her she wasn't my first love, even though she was. I'm not sure whether I knew she was or not at the time, but being now acquainted with what love feels like and doesn't, I promise you she was the first I ever loved.

Beyond that, I treated her poorly in so many different ways. I always insisted, in whatever backhanded or satirical ways I could, that I was smarter than her, when in fact the opposite was true. She gave me credit for things I didn't know, and I gladly took it. Now, she is a successful college student looking at graduating in four years like a normal student-- a thousand times better than what I am. She'll probably go on to grad school. She called me on my birthday, earlier this month. I was too scared and ashamed to answer it, or even listen to the message she left.

My most recent love wanted me to speak about my most recent love. He is a dork like that. But I will.

My most recent love is a cute little blind boy. OK, he's not blind, per se, but he is very much sight impaired. He's legally blind in both eyes, a result of his albinism. I love him ridiculously, partially because of this. It's not that I love him because he's blind, or because it makes me look good or something. It's how he handles it. If I were blind, I would be insufferable. I would practically DEMAND the pity of others. Instead, he shuns that kind of pity, ignoring the albino-support groups and living a happy life where he can laugh at his condition. This past weekend, he said of me that I have a love for life. In comparison to him, however, I must admit that at best I treat life with disdain. I am so proud, so amazed by his ability to face the world in ways I refuse to. I don't love him because he's blind, I love him because he doesn't give a fuck. I wish I didn't give a fuck. I can tell, just by looking at him, my life would be better if I didn't.

As to the matter of wet dreams, I've never had any. I have always been far too interested in masturbation to have a wet dream. I did wet my bed once, but it was the night before the semester started, and I will always blame that fact for the reason why.